Netflix and scream at our children?!
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A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.