Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing