The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake