Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
You Might Also Like
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.