Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
TODAY
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.