Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?