“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.