Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
You Might Also Like
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
What if the weather talks about us?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows