Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
You Might Also Like
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
So, can we agree on 4 or
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Yes my dude
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.