Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Does it…does it take 3 days
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
adding to the discourse
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry