I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
You Might Also Like
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Bike for sale
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!