Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.