I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
What about second breakfast?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.