As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be