shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad