I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
馃悥馃惙
馃惤
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Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you can鈥檛 handle me at my worst you don鈥檛 deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn鈥檛 have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I鈥檓 ok
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
me: you鈥檝e changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven鈥檛
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.