Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
twitter is a journey
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.