Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
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Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Always a metermaid never a meter
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
hey, alexa
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”