RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
That time Alicia messaged me
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.