waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
In Canada they just call them geese
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.