Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Only short people can save us
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
#SaturdayBears
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.