Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
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Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Bobby pin
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.