Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.