Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I did not eat the cake…
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
This came to me in a dream.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.