Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP