“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
🤣🤣🤣
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.