Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
OMG 🤣🤣
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off