guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy