I’m having an out of money experience.
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”