Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.