I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
A ghost story
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane