I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
You Might Also Like
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.