Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
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[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
That took me a moment.