Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…