Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.