Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.