*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
don’t we all
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.