when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie