pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real