Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”