A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.