“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?