Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person