“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
You Might Also Like
Oh no
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Respect
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations