Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
“what that mouth do?” complain
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Have a lovely day 😊
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.