Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Selfie
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Mornin
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.