I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.