who will stop them
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
<—- homeless romantic
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
We are the people our parents warned us about.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.