Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
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[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax