I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
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why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
im all 3
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”